By in-laws, of course we mean your spouses parents and family.
Let's first get a few things straight so as not to confuse culture with religion.
A commonly asked question (by women) is, am I obliged to look after and serve my in-laws? The answer (according to the letter of the law) is, no. A woman is not obligated by the sharee'ah to serve her in-laws. Her doing so is mustahabb (desirable) and a favour she does them.
Another common question is, am I entitled to separate accommodation? The answer is, yes. The wife has the right to live in separate accommodation with her husband and children, and not to share it with anyone, whether it is a father, a mother or a relative.
Now for advice on how to hopefully avoid problems with in-laws.
1. Du'a. remember to always ask Allah to place love between you and your spouse and your families. This should be done regularly.
2. Even before marriage, discuss with your future spouse what your living arrangements will be like. As stated above, the sharee'ah gives the woman the right to have separate accommodation and she is not obliged to live in a home with her in-laws. I would say, as a general rule, it is best not to live with in-laws. There may be circumstances when this is unavoidable, but I would strongly recommend that couples live separately and not with in-laws.
3. Make certain you know not only what your rights are, but what your spouse's rights are too. So a man shouldn't try to insist that his wife lives with his parents and claim she has to as obedience to him.
4. Both husband and wife should realize that treating the other's parents well will be a means of pleasing the spouse. Just as you want your spouse to treat your family with respect and love, he/she would appreciate the same
5. I would recommend that before marrying, a man and woman should ask each other questions on how they would deal with situations with in-laws. The girl can ask the guy, what if such and such happens, how will you handle it? A guy can ask something similar. That way the two have an idea of what to expect.
6. Remember that your life is your life. Neither party should allow their parents to dictate how they should live as a couple. Husband and wife need to make their own decisions. Sure, you can get advice and listen to suggestions from parents and in-laws, but in the end, the couple has to make decisions based on what is best for them in the long run.
7. Respect and good manners need to be maintained at all times. If your in-laws are not good to you (and here we are talking to both parties), do not show disrespect and do not confront them. Rather, discuss the situation with your spouse and come up with a strategy to deal with the issue together. You may need to get another wise relative involved, but whatever you do, be respectful and observe self restraint. That doesn't mean giving in nor being a doormat, it just means being wise and dealing with things in a calm and collected manner.
8. Parents are wonderful and of course we love them, but they are human and are prone to err*. They may also become jealous (yes, a mother may be jealous of her daughter-in-law or a father of his son-in-law) and act in an unbecoming manner. They are not perfect and will not always be right. Therefore, neither party should blindly accept what their parents say. Weigh things and look at them justly. Don't act without first thinking and verifying any accusations that may be made against your spouse."
- Younus Kathrada Facebook page
(*err means error)
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